Friday, December 23, 2011

Don Giovanni (Part 1)


I just felt the need to bash out some poorly versified prose at 3 in the morning, so you lucky folks get to read this piece of unedited crap:
DON GIOVANNI

He was young and keen when his first love
First stormed his heart and raised her flag
To flutter and soar upon the flagstaff of his soul;
It was his mood, his heart, his reason that she stole
He traveled far for her in word and deed
As winter turned to spring and in the sky
The moon rode roughshod on his path of light
And grew and faded as their passions did
In that same road as was their plane of love.
When she had all his being in her hand,
And all his fleeting thoughts hers to command
When he upon her shoulder limping leaned
And learning could no more his head upraise
She took his crutch away, before her heart
Was crushed beneath his weighty fears and woes
She left, looked back no more, and she was gone
No more the moon’s weak passion shone
And it was dark, the lights whose gilding rays
Had splashed the ground with bronze in former days
As he had watched her bicycle retreat
Into his mind from off the city street
They too extinguished.

Half hope remained, but sooner died
Than windfalls in the autumn brown and rot
A half remembered love did not sustain
Beyond the reach of summer’s earliest days
And was, besides, in later days betrayed
By half heard sounds that echoed in the half-lit room
As softly weeping drowned he in the gloom.

October brings fresh fruit forth from the fields
And from the trees, its bounty freely yields
As lightly as temptation seizes minds.
He would not say he loved, and not aloud
But then his heart, still doomed by former love
Tore madly at the sight of second chance
A beauty, colour in a blackened world
A sweet flower in the burning meadow
Sweet lips, sweet hands; his liking from inception grew
And soon he sighed, sweet child, be mine,
And let the world leave us alone a time
A lone thought leaving as the winds doth grow:
But wherefore says my love that she is young?
And wherefore say not I that I am old?
O, love's best habit is a soothing tongue,
And age, in love, loves not to have years told.

“Loves not to have years told”, but years were told;
And so the third was loved and lost, another heart grew cold.

He was a king of youth, in youth a king,
And sadly smiled again as winter grew
And aged him with its cuckoldry.
A lady, plain, but lovely, met his gaze
And in his desperation, seeing such a soul
As met his eyes with gentleness and wit
Again he sallied forth into the field of lovers’ combat
Whistling as he went.
His heart was cold, though surely he loved
That friendly one who comforted his pain
He could not love her as a lover loves,
Nor take her with sound mind into his bed.
Yet all his high regard for her, his guilty mind,
He could not find the words to end her trust.
Selfishly he kept, and selfishly he led
Until the hurt was multiplied, until their hearts were bled.
At last, the battle ended, he escaped
The field for a little time at least
And though his action cost her dignity
As silently temptation led him on
Yet she forgave him, held him graciously
Hid her thoughts and told him to be happy.









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Thursday, November 24, 2011

My first attempt at a narrative poem in the Lincolnshire Dialect

Farmer Benton and the Boggart or The Wilksby Mystery




Of all of the beästs that live i’ the woäld,

Or lurk i’ the fen, or the barn or the foäld,

The fox i’ the spinney, the hob i’ the hearth

The elf or the badger that delve i’ the earth

The roe or the muntjac, the troäll i’ the beck,

The sheeäp that ‘scaäpe when the gaäte dursn’t sneck

Theer’s none that’s feärd moär by the foälk o’the sod

Than the mardy owd boggart that scrats i’ the squad



‘Is face is all mowdy, ‘is haäir’s all greeän,

‘a smells loike a swoine an’ ‘e’s iver so mean.

‘e beänt not picky whatever ‘e eäts,

‘e’ll as soon as eat barnes as a plaät o’ owd meäts

‘is feeät be webby and coöverd in boöils

an’ daäy nor noight will ‘e cease in ‘is toiöls

a’ keäpin the scaäly skin o’is back noice ‘an weät

An’ a nastier creäture thou niver ‘av meät.



On th’edge o’ the fen wheer the woälds hits the muöd

Tweän Maäreham le Fen a’th’edge o’ the flooöd

Theer once wur a feäld all feërtile an’ faiäre

But niver beeän stubb’d, it were whoälly baäre.

Fur ivryone knawed as the stoäny mowd

Were wheer an owd boggart ‘ad maäde ‘is aboäd.



So ivery seäson this meäder were cleän,

All falloöw an’ eämpty, wi’ niver a beän

Til a yeär, gaäy warram, whin a feller naämed Art’ur

Were gi’en the farm an’ the feäld to look arter.

A big man was Art’r, all aärms an’ thuümbs,

An a mum loike a nengine wheniver ‘e hums

A greät deeëp bass when he sung wi’ the choir

An a murderous ‘andshaäke when greeätin’ the squoire.

Now Art’r dursn’t moind any howry owd taäles

O’ boggarts nor fairies nor divils in aäles

‘E laughed like a draiän when ivryone saiäd

If ‘e planted out tonups i’th feäld ‘e’d be maäd.

‘E beänt a fooöl, oh no, not Art’r

An’ the fust thing ‘e did wur to climb on ‘is tra’tor

An’ taäke it dow’n to theer wheer the graäss

Were iver saw thick, ay, a proäper morass

An’ straiäght awaäy began to plough it

When froäm the landdraiän theer caäme a shouät



“Git oäf moi lond, thou narty owd varmit!

This meädow be moine an be damned if thou’ll haärm it.”

The boggart appeärt all drippin’ an sodden

An smellin abouät as noice as a midden

“Oi’ll smash up yon tra’tor, oi’ll poiöson thy croäps,

Oi’ll giv thee a kick roight in thy fat choäps.”

The boggart was daäncin an tha’ fit to buüst,

An Art’r were iver so startled äat fust

But as the greät boggart ‘e raäged it wur cleär

That really Art’r ‘ad nowät to feär.

‘E cloimbed fro’ th’ tra’tor an waäited theer

Till the boggart ‘e ‘ad to stoäp for aiär.

“Näthen, boggart, thou nowt of all nowts,”

Saiäd Arter advancin’ wi’ moäckin’ shouäts

“This feäld be moine, thy claiäm’s a sham

“Thy curses means nowt, an’ I doänt give a damn

“A man loike moisen caäres not a beän fur a threät

“Now stoäp tha raävin’ moi frieänd, ‘av a seat.

“I dursn’t not meän to ‘av all this feäld,

“Saw if thou’rt ameänable, ‘ere’s a deäl.

“Sin’ til to-yeär this ‘as beän thy hoäm

“an thou’st niver another plaäce to roam

“Oi reckons Oi’ll let you staäy ‘ere saäfe

“Oi’ll graäw moi crops, an Oi’ll let thou ‘ave haäfe.

“Now dossn’t that suiït? Oi’ll say thaw befoöre

“tha’if’n it dursn’t then owat tha mun gaw.”



Th’ boggart ‘e’s stannin an’ gawapin’ at Art’r

Who’s loookin saw narty an big boi is trarter

“Oi’ll gi’ a a troi” Saiäd th’ boggart ‘a Art’r

“Oi’ll leät tha remble the stoäns, an arter

Tha brings in th’ croäps, Oi’ll aäve moi shaäre

Haäfe exactly moind, thou’ll niver cheat ma theer.”



An Arter ‘e soighs wi’ a wink in ‘is eyn,

“Champion,” ‘e saäyn, “moiety foine.

Naw which’ll tha have, which haäfe o’ the croäp

The haäfe that’s below grouänd or the haäfe that’s o’ toäp?”

Th’ boggart ‘e grinned, greeädy loook in ‘is eyn

“Oi’ll taäke the haäfe beloöw grouänd, thayat’s moine.”



Saw Arter ‘e cloimbed baäck inter ‘is seät

An’ ‘e ploughed oop th’ fieäld til ealle wur neat

The boggart an’ he, they spreäd the seeäd

An’ paärted till time came fur what they’d agreeäd

‘Twur noät till spring ooop an coom

tha’th boggart could see that ‘e’d beeän done.



Fur Art’r were cleäver, an’ the seeäd they’d spreäd

Was barley, an’ oop coom’d its goölden heäd

When arvest coom’d the boggart wur leäft

Wi nobbut a pile of rooäts, bereäft

‘E screämed at Arter, but Arter just beämed

Fur th’ boggart had beeän as daft as ‘e seeämed

The barn at the farm wur all full o’ graiän

‘Cos Owd Arter Benton ‘ad uüsed ‘is braiän

“Th’as cheäted, tha bugger” the boggart ‘e whoined

“But oi’ll get tha baäck, oi think tha’ll foind.

Oi’ll see tha ‘ere when thou’rt plantin’ agean

Thou’ll pay fur this moi huäman frieänd.”



An’ inter the bouändery diätch ‘e fleäd

As Arter larfed an’ shoook ‘is owd eäd.

An when plantin’ toime ‘ad coomd abouät

Sewer enow, ‘e coom’d back ouät.



An Arter ‘e shoook o’ the boggart’s weät ‘and,

An’ then fro’ i’s trarter hindicaäted the land.

“Naw which’ll tha have, which haäfe o’ the croäp

The haäfe that’s below grouänd or the haäfe that’s o’ toäp?”

Th’ boggart ‘e grinned, greeädy loook in ‘is eyn

“Oi’ll taäke the haäfe aboöve grouänd, thayat’s moine.”



Saw the two on ‘em staärted, and planted th’ fieäld

An leäft again to waiät on it’s yieäld

An coom th’ summer they’a seed what they’d sowäd

An’ theer a greät croap ‘o taätes ‘ad growad.

O’ course the boggart wur iver soa mad

The wust o’all raäges ‘e iver ‘ad ‘ad.

When Arter coom’d down to gather ‘is shaäre

The boggart ‘e joomped on ‘is back: “That’s noät faiär!

“Thou’st tricked me ageän! Moi patience is shoät!

Tha’s niver ‘ad temper saw casselty hoät!

Oi’ll ‘ave naw moär tricks, nor be maäde a foool,

Tha’ll sooon rue th’ daäy tha caäme bya moi pool.”

An oäf ran th’ boggart oäf inter th’ foäg,

An arter weere suddenly afeärd of the doäg

An what suäch a boggart moight doa

Wheän someun loike arter put ‘em all in a tewa



The boggart ‘e niver coom’d back to the meäder,

An’ Arter nor onyone else iver seeäd ‘a

But Wheän the foäg ‘ad lifted and sun ‘a shoäne

The village o’ Wilksby ‘ad utterly goäne

An nobuddy knaws fro’ tha’ daäy, nor still

Why all but th’ choorch disappeared off th’ hill

But fur th’ boggart’s parting curse –

An’ sewerly beänt we lucky the punishment beänt not wooorse?
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Friday, October 7, 2011

Distortion and Duplicity: Liveblogging the CICCU Friday Lunchtime Talks Autumn 2011

The people at CICCU are incredibly lovely. They are always kind, welcoming, and ready to take care of your needs, or your soul. This always applies, even once I've made it clear that I begin from a critical perspective and have heard pretty much any argument you care to put for Christianity so many times before that I'm less likely to be swayed than a concrete palm-tree. Their speakers are often rhetorically skilled and quite as capable of wit as the next chap or chapess (though it is still nearly always a chap).

On the other hand, the speakers, whether intentionally or not, are nearly always quite disgustingly disingenuous, wielding weasel words which would make the most skilled confidence trickster grin with admiration.

Today's lunchtime talk was no exception. Entitled "Why bother with Christianity?" the speaker was supposed to be explaining why this ancient religion is still relevant today. He did not in any way fulfil this brief.

He began with the proposition that rather than being irrational, Christianity is, in fact, completely rational. Materialism, he said, denies Christianity, based on the idea that the mind is fallible, and beliefs uncertain.

But if materialism is right, wouldn't the mind be just as fallible in believing materialism as in Christianity?

To summarise that argument (which he never did, putting it in words that cunningly disguised such circular logic):

  • If rationalism is right, strongly held beliefs may be false. 
  • Rationalism is a belief. 
  • Therefore rationalism, if right, may be wrong.  
  • Therefore Christianity.

Leaving aside for the moment the massive jump in logic between those two therefores, I'd like to point out that while Christianity itself is largely a priori, with the majority of its beliefs based on non sequiters, incredulity, and false assumptions, rather than evidence, rationalists today practise Empiricism, and have done since Locke.
Materialists do not rely on the infallibility of their own minds, as the speaker claimed, but on evidence.

There is NO evidence sufficient to justify a belief in the bible as truth. Because the bible makes massive claims about the nature of existence, unless you can be 100% and without a doubt certain of the legitimacy of the evidence you produce for it, it is more likely that the evidence is flawed than that everything we know about existence is wrong.

Not even 99% confidence will do - as long as there is room for doubt, doubt remains a better course of action that acceptance.

Furthermore, it is a universal truth, acknowledged by rationalists and this Christian speaker himself, that strongly held beliefs may be false. This is not a tenet specifically of rationalism. It is a Truth. This is precisely the reason materialists rely on material, not mind, and why no belief that requires absolute certainty is legitimate.

By the by, I've been very charitable here in kind of translating what the guy wanted to imply. His actual words were much, much stranger.

First, he attacked rationalism because rationality cannot be trusted. He implied that this ceased to be a problem if one was a theist - as though the belief that you could be certain of something (God's truth) made the fact that some people are certain of things, and also wrong, disappear. That's circular logic. Let me show you:

-I believe it's possible for me to be certainly right
-Therefore I am certainly right.

...or something like that - it makes so little sense, it's difficult to put into words.

The conclusion (belief in God is exempt from the idea that belief is fallible) is used as a justification for not regarding that same conclusion as fallible.

Frankly I was left confused by the whole thing - how he could keep up such sleight of hand, lying for Jesus, as much as how his argument was supposed to make any sense other than by bashing the audience's critical faculties into submission.

The only legitimate conclusion of his argument - that nobody can be certain their belief is right as long as other people hold their beliefs just as strongly - is that materialism is no stronger a metaphysical position as Christianity.

This, in fact, is true. It does not, however, allow that Christianity might have a stronger metaphysical position.

There is also a flaw in that Christianity also posits the existence of material. Materialism is part and parcel of Christianity, not its opposite. Materialism is the toast. Christianity adds an extra layer of existence - god, satan, and all his little gnomes. Christianity is the jam on the toast of existence. Jam for which there is no evidence.

Until evidence for jam is produced, I shall continue to make statements of certainty only about the toast.


Talking of food: the lunch, unlike the appetiser, was lovely. I had a very nice tuna mayo bun, and a jam donut, and picked up a book full of demonstrable untruths called "can we trust what the Gospels say about Jesus?"

It's full of lies. But that's a topic I've already covered. There is no historical evidence for Jesus, and we cannot trust what the Gospels say about Jesus.
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Saturday, September 3, 2011

The Black Dog and the Wolds Panther

Anyone living recently in the Wolds will have heard of the strange black beast seen wandering the hills and fens, and the giant footprints found on the beach; and anyone who has read Harry Potter and the PRisoner of Azkaban will be aware of the folkloric legends of the evil black hound or barguest.

Just as once upon a time comets and other celestial phenomena were spoken of as dragons and angels, but now are more likely to be reported as UFOs and alien spacecraft, the reports which have consistently been printed in the Horncastle News and other local papers of a large black animal prowling the countryside in Lindsey recall the sightings of a phantom Black Dog once prevalent in the same area.

Whereas in other countries the dog is fearsome, foreshadowing death and misfortune, in Lincolnshire the apparition was always previously seen as a good omen, and a protector. E.H.Rudkin details one old story from North Lincolnshire, a sighting of 1912:
"One moonlit evening in the early spring of 1912, I was cycling alone from Goxhill to Barton-on-Humber. All the day I had been working at Goxhill with my men, and was riding to Barton about 9 p.m. I had about a mile and a half to go when I had a punctured tyre. As I pushed my cycle along I wished I had a friend to accompany me. I was not in the least afraid, as I knew every part of the way. I am not by nature a nervous fellow, but I had a premonition of evil. Quite suddenly I was aware that on my left hand side was heavy breathing and padding feet. I found that my companion was a large black dog; his coat curly and glossy. And as I looked down, two friendly eyes met mine. I did not speak to the dog because I felt that a strange voice might frighten him away, and I appreciated his companionship.

As I walked he kept close to my side and continued to pad heavily and pant loudly. PResently the moon became obscured by black clouds, but I could still see the dog clearly because his coat was so shiny and bright and his body so large. All at once I heard a rustle in the high hawthorne hedge which flanked the road, and a tall, broad-shouldered man sprang towards me and barred my way. His attitude was menacing and offensive. He quickly stopped short when he noticed the dog, and calmly asked if I could tell him the time.

I reached home safely, the dog seeming to hug my side more closely all the way. Outside my house there is a street-lamp, and here I could see the dog very clearly. Turning to leave my cycle on the house railing, I decided to take the dog indoors and give him a good meal and rest him until morning. When I looked back, he was disappearing, melting into thin air, as it were! I called, and coaxed, but there was no sound. I waited a while hoping he would return, but then realised in a flash that he had been no real dog. I lived in Barton all my life, and know that nobody in a wide area possessed such a large black dog, and I am sure in my mind that the faithful friend saved me from a would-be enemy."
There's really nothing new under the sun...
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Monday, August 15, 2011

London Riots and Euripides

Jocasta
      
My son Eteocles, old age is not a total misery. Experience helps. Sometimes we speak wiser than the young. [...] The worst of all; this goddess is Injustice. Often she comes to happy homes and cities, and when she leaves, she has destroyed their owners, she after whom you rave. It's better, child, to honor Equality who ties friends to friends, cities to cities, allies to allies. For equality is stable among young men. If not, the lesser force hates the greater force, and so begins the day of enmity. Equality set up men's weights and measures, gave them their numbers. And night's sightless eye equal divides with day the circling year. While neither, yielding place, resents the other. So sun and night are servants to mankind.

Yet you will not endure to hold your house in even shares with him? Where's justice then? Why do you honour so much tyrannic power and think that unjust happiness is great? It's fine to be looked up to? But it's empty. You want to have much wealth within your halls - much trouble with it? And what is "much"? It's nothing but the name. Sufficiency's enough for men of sense. Men do not really own their private goods; we simply care for things which are the gods', and when they will, they take them back again. Wealth is not steady; it is of a day.

Come, if I question you a double question, whether you wish to rule, or to save the city, will you choose to be its tyrant? But if he wins and the Argive spear beats down the Theban lance, then will you see the town of Thebes subdued and many maidens taken off as slaves, assaulted, ravished by our enemies. Truly the wealth which you now seek to have will mean but grief for Thebes; you're too ambitious. So much for you.

Your turn now, Polyneices: ignorant favours has Adrastus done you, and you have come in folly to sack your own city. Come, if you take this land - heaven forbid it - by the gods, what trophies can you set to Zeus? How start the sacrifice for your own vanquished country? And how inscribe your spoils at Inachus' stream? "Polyneices set these shields up to the gods when he had fired Thebes"? Oh, never, Son, be this, or such as this, your fame in Greece! If you are worsted and his side has best, how shall you go to Argos, leaving here thousands of corpses? Some will surely say: "Adrastus, what a wedding for your daughter! For one girl's marriage we have been destroyed."

You are pursuing evils - one of two- you will lose the Argives or fail in winning here. Both of you, drop excess. When double folly attacks one issue, this is worst of all.

-from The Phoenician Women, by Euripides, trans. Grene and Lattimore.
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Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Delusional Disorder

"Religion is ultimately dependent on belief in invisible beings, inaudible voices, intangible entities, undetectable forces, and events and judgments that happen after we die. It therefore has no reality check. And it is therefore uniquely armored against criticism, questioning, and self- correction. It is uniquely armored against anything that might stop it from spinning into extreme absurdity, extreme denial of reality... and extreme, grotesque immorality."
This is a fantastic article by a very clever woman, and you should read it.

Just to restate something I've pointed out before, and discussed with prominent psychologists: there's not a lot of difference between the kind of  " belief in invisible beings, inaudible voices, intangible entities, undetectable forces" held by the religious, and the " belief in invisible beings, inaudible voices, intangible entities, undetectable forces" that holds those suffering from delusional disorder.

 In fact I would go so far as to say there is no difference; religious belief is merely a delusion that is widely suffered and largely benign (causing harmful behaviours in only a proportion of its worst sufferers) due to its variable position on the spectrum of unproveable certainties and delusions.

Nice to see it restated here again.

http://www.samizdat.li/2008/07/ubiquity-of-paranoia-from-human.html
http://www.samizdat.li/2009/04/faith-unjustified-certainty-and.html
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Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Ten Good Reasons the New Tesco Site is Bad for Horncastle

The big topic at the moment in Horncastle and the surrounding area is the new Tesco. There is a little support for it, a large apathetic majority, and a not negligible opposition. The supporters of the New Larger Tesco are characterised by their detractors as ignorant, gullible, simplistic people who wish to be seen as "progressive", while they only succeed in erecting monstrosities and destroying our hard-earned heritage.

The supporters, in turn, characterise the opposition to the new Tesco site as ignorant, simplistic hermits, nostalgic troglodytes, NIMBY's, country bumpkins, and technophobes.

While I'm tempted to indulge in such cathartic insults, it's probably best if I can demonstrate the actual reasons for Horncastle to oppose 1) the current site proposed for the new Tesco and 2) having a new, larger Tesco in town at all.

The most common misconception on the side of the supporters is that the opposition are simply opposed to supermarkets in general, or Tesco in particular. This is where the claim of "ignorance" comes in, as the opposition is actually more nuanced. First and foremost, we oppose the site proposed for the new Tesco, not the idea of Tesco itself.

Why? There are many reasons the site proposed for the new Tesco is unsuitable.
Click image to see complete plan


1). Traffic and congestion.

The new site is just off Lincoln Road. Anyone familiar with Horncastle, and the arduous task of getting through town on a bank holiday weekend, will know exactly why this is so bad: on even a good day, the traffic is jammed as far back as Crowders, and as far afield as the Laurels garage on Spilsby Road, and all through town in between. This is merely the effect of the current holiday traffic - caravans, coaches, cars and all manner of trippers trying to get from everywhere else to Skegness, and back again.

Anyone who wanted to get to the new Tesco would have to sit in this line of traffic either on the way to, or on the way home from, the store car-park. In fact, because the traffic would consist of the holiday-makers AND all the people trying to get to and from the super-market, and everyone involved would have to pause at the entrance of the car-park as well as at the traffic lights, Jubilee Way and Lincoln Roadwould become one permanent, unbearable, noisy, smelly traffic jam.

Tesco are taking a traffic scenario that is already pretty bad and making it many times worse. And that's without taking into consideration...

2. Proximity to School & School Buses
According to the plans laid out by Tesco and presented to the ELDC planning division, school buses will no longer enter and leave Queen Elizabeth's Grammar School via the cramped entrance from Reindeer Close onto West Street (a situation that is, I admit, in need of remedy).

Instead, the buses will enter and leave the school through the middle of the new Tesco car-park.

But for the lucky disabled people, anyone wishing to park at the store, or leave a parking space, between the hours of 3 and 4.30 at night, and 8 and 9 in the morning, will be unable to do so. They will be prevented by a queue of twenty buses and coaches attempting to turn on and off an already congested Lincoln Road, through a narrow entrance shared by the supermarket carpark.

Anyone trying to get between cars and the store will have to dart between waiting buses.

There are many parents in Horncastle whose routine is usually to pick up their child from school - one of the primaries or secondaries - in the car, and then proceed to go shopping, in these exact hours. They will be prevented from entering or leaving the store without an infuriating half-hour wait in traffic, unable to turn in or out of any spaces but those reserved for disabled parking.

Not a good plan. What with holiday traffic, shoppers, delivery lorries, school-buses and -taxis trying to use one entrance and exit from Lincoln Road all at once, I'm loathe to lend my support to Tesco unless they also fund a bypass around the town. The Town Plan Action Group found that:
"The circulation of service vehicles, school busses [sic] and customer cars all sharing the same limited length access road, immediately off the Lincoln Road, is unsafe and will cause even greater traffic congestion, and compromise safety within the site."
The store is also too close to school. It will encourage students to shop there before, during, and after school hours, incurring acquisitiveness; a divide between richer and poorer students; increased truancy; and greater, easier consumption of junk foods and drinks. All these things were fuelled merely by the presence of a garage across the road during my own time at the school, and clearly this will make the situation worse.

The school does stand to get new classrooms out of the deal – two of them – but as these will merely replace two classrooms and a store-room which do the job just as well already, this is not a substantial argument for the Tesco to be built.

3. Distance from Town Centre

The proposed site for the new Tesco is a long walk from the centre of town. While the current site allows people to park at the store and cross the river directly into the market square of Horncastle, less than a minute's walk away, the new site will entail a more than seven-minute walk (which is longer than it sounds) entailing the crossing of two very busy and dangerous roads, several times.

People for whom it would formerly have made sense to park and shop at Tesco and while they were at it, pop to the post-office, a market-stall, or one of the High Street or North Street shops, will no longer do so.

 They will buy their groceries and newspapers at Tesco, and buy their books, gardening implements, craft-goods, and everything else, online.

I remember very clearly when I attended the Grammar School that on lunch times I had to make what I considered to be an "arduous trek" into town to go to the supermarket for drinks and snacks the school had banned from their vending machines, and as I was in town, popping into Jabberwock's books, Achurch, Mantles, Perkins, and the bank.

The important point is that I would NEVER have made the trip into town specifically to patronise these businesses, but I did so because they happened to be close to a supermarket selling Pot Noodles. Had the supermarket not been in the middle of town, I would not have used the smaller shops. The town-centre supermarket made these shops viable.

Nobody in their right mind parked on Lincoln Road will think it convenient to "pop" into the town centre for anything else. The small shops and bank branches will close, their business will move online; Horncastle will be left with a desolate and characterless Town Centre.

If Tesco need a larger store, it must be in a central position in town, NOT on Lincoln Road.

4. The community.
The planned site for the new store & car-park overlooks several private properties which have hitherto been secluded in the private Reindeer Close (named for a lost pub, the Reindeer, which once stood nearby).

 These dwellings will, if the store is built, become noisy and depressingly public. Drivers attempting to avoid the inevitable jams on Lincoln Roadwill begin to cut across the unadopted close from West Street to get to the car-park and the school, and their gardens will be in full view of this large increase in traffic, especially from the top decks of double-decker buses which are used for school transport.

The poor souls who will have no say in this new development will be given few concessions to their right to privacy, and will be left with heavily devalued, noisy, and properties polluted by smog and noise to a greater extent than before; those, that is, who have not already had their houses knocked down to make way for the stretch of new tarmac itself.

Property values will also fall on Lincoln Road due to the increased traffic.

5. Employment prospects (negligible)
The new Tesco will NOT create a significant number of new jobs for the town. The majority of its staff will be drawn from those already working at the Watermill site, and, besides, how many employees does a supermarket need compared to, say, a factory? We'll be lucky if the new store creates ten new minimum wage jobs for the town - not nearly enough to benefit a community with rapidly rising unemployment.

This is especially the case as a greater number of jobs which stand to be lost when Tesco’s move puts the smaller shops and banks in the town centre out of business, robbing local business-owners of their family incomes.

6. We don't need a bigger store.
We already have a Tesco (which is why it's ridiculous to claim that the opposition are "just anti-Tesco", rather than against the Lincoln Road site).

The store we have now on the watermill site has a much larger car-park, has never itself flooded, and stocks as many products as anyone in Horncastle or the surrounding area actually needs. Anyone who complains that they "have" to travel to Lincoln, Grimsby, or even Hull to do their weekly shop, is a disingenuous and wasteful and self-indulgent reprobate. Plenty of people manage to do their shopping at the Horncastle store without travelling ridiculous distances to get precisely the right brand of washing powder. If you can't get by on the same resources and shops that my family does, day to day, then that is YOUR problem, not Tesco's or the town's.

Tesco has petulantly threatened to close their existing store on the Watermill site if their planning application is turned down. If this were their actual intention, then it would be their loss: some new supermarket would move onto the site and the only effect would be a loss of profits for Tesco.

The existing Tesco site is already extant and is not going to be demolished even if Tesco move to Lincoln Road. It will merely be occupied by another store, notwithstanding its location on a flood-plain.

7. The new Tesco will not stock a significantly greater array of goods anyway.
A common argument for having a more conveniently sized Tesco in Horncastle is that we currently have to travel a long way to buy things like children's clothes, which Tesco will stock in their new store.

Pay close attention, because people still don't seem to get this: the new Tesco will not be stocking clothes. Nor will there be curtains, sheets, towels, etc. They have publicly stated this both in the Horncastle News and at their public meetings. Their range of goods will be substantially similar to that in their existing store.

A far better solution to the problem of clothes shopping in Horncastle is to actually shop at the few small clothing businesses we DO have, to encourage more. Either way, you'll still have to travel to larger towns where it's economically viable to sell cheap clothes.

They may sell an increased range of foods, such as take-away food (introducing competition with local restaurants and take-aways); electronics (competing with local electronics stores, when we have already lost Yates & Greenough); and other things which are already sold in town. They will not stock anything we do not already have.

8. Tesco lied about the Environment Agency ruling about Watermill Site.
Tesco claim they cannot expand the store they already own on the Watermill site, due to the Environment Agency denying them permission to do so, due to flood risk.

In fact, what the Environment Agency actually told them was that they couldn't expand it there until the Flood Alleviation Scheme was complete. The scheme in question would progress much faster were Tesco to donate part of their budget towards its implementation rather than to the construction of an entire new store.

The Watermill Centre has never itself flooded in more than 21 years of existence.

9. Lincoln Road site is not big enough
It has been amply demonstrated that the size of the new Tesco on Lincoln Road will not be significantly larger than the present store, and that the size of the proposed site is too small, not permitting for expansion. Planning officials found that Tesco are quite aware of this fact, and their plan for the future is transparent: eventually noise, stress, and lack of privacy will force the residents of Reindeer Close to move away, allowing the store to knock down these houses and make way for more asphalt.
"The site area and shape is inadequate to segregate commercial and private traffic and provide for adequate landscaping buffer zones to the residential properties."
The Reindeer Close dwellings are not listed, nor are they exceptional architectural examples. However, the residents are very closely attached to the houses, several of which were built to order for them by my great grandfather and others. They are not merely bungalows, they are homes, and Tesco must not be allowed to intimidate their residents from the site.

10. The Lincoln Road site does not comply with Tesco's own Community Policies.

"We want to be a good neighbour in all the communities in which we operate. This means being in tune with the needs and values of local communities, engaging positively on the issues that matter to them, and making lasting contributions that improve local areas. [...] We are committed to talking and listening to local communities, to ensure our developments meet their needs and expectations."
Clearly, from the amount of opposition there is to the construction of a new store in a ridiculous location, they're failing at this.

"open stores in areas which other businesses, including retailers, have abandoned or neglected. These stores provide access to quality fresh food at affordable prices in communities that are often otherwise isolated. They also bring much-needed jobs and resulting income to the local area. We are particularly proud of our Regeneration Partnership programme in the UK. [...]
In the UK, we believe that our stores, which are often located at the heart of local communities, can help revitalise a town centre by bringing back customers who might otherwise have shopped out of town."
The new site proposed by Tesco is further away from the area in which other businesses are operating, will be even more in direct competition with them, and will result in less business for them, as shown above.
"We are reducing our impact on the environment, including energy use and waste."
Constructing a whole new store, rather than renovating and extending the old one, is by its very nature less environmentally friendly, using lots of evil concrete and stuff.

This concludes our lecture. The reasons for being against any Tesco at all - including such relevant criticisms as their widespread bribery, corruption, and deliberate construction of a monopoly, will have to wait for another day.
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Monday, June 20, 2011

Dogdyke: Installment 2 of ?, 2nd Draft (Work in progress)

“Indeed?” the professor’s interest was immediately aroused. “I was most interested in the few little things you sent down for me. Nothing especially unusual, as you said in your letter – but if there are more to be found where they came from...”

“There’s a rich seam of the stuff here,” agreed the priest, “They continually bring me more. Half of it rubbish – old pieces of horseshoe and iron bedsteads, bits of oddly shaped rock, and such – but they cover far more ground than I ever could. I barely have time to sort through the collection as it is, what with visiting and sermons...”

“Ah. Yes. The curse of the clergy. Parochial duties getting in the way of the real business of polymathy. You should have stayed a scholar!” he jibed. “You’re not prepared to give me any clue as to what it is you want to show me, I suppose?”

“Not a word more about that. I swear it will be worth the wait! Now, have you had hold of a copy of your colleague’s new book, yet?”

Although the professor’s interest was piqued by his friend’s cryptic promise, he reluctantly accepted the change of tack; it was obvious that the cleric did not wish to reveal too much too soon, and so he would not press any further and risk spoiling a surprise. They quickly fell into more trivial conversation, gossiping and reminiscing as though they had never been apart. It wasn’t unusual for the priest to make such harmlessly playful gestures, and this added element of mystery to the planned excursion was, on the face of it, quite in character. Yet the twinkle in his eyes was somehow not as bright as it ought to be; behind the jovial mask the professor sensed a nervous caution in this refusal to discuss.

What had his friend discovered? Perhaps he was not sure himself, and wanted another scholar’s opinion; possible, if it was so important, odd or unbelievable that he did not wish to jump to any conclusion. King John’s lost treasure... a Saxon hoard? He found himself growing as anxious to leave the house as his friend, who now sat on the edge of his chair, clearly frustrated at the gilded laws of hospitality which forced him to delay the expedition until after dinner. And wait, they must.

The urgency of the situation had evidently been made clear to the housekeeper, his only servant, who, used to the unusual ways of a frivolous and learned man, had followed her instructions to the letter in preparing a hearty stew which was ready not long after the guest’s arrival, and which could be bolted by the distracted bachelors with the barest pretence of gentility. She did not raise an eyebrow as her master craned his neck about between bites, neglecting conversation in favour of scanning the fen landscape beyond the window’s rattling sash; nor at his friend the intense-looking scholar as he stared in turn at the priest.

As soon as it was possible, the vicar and the scholar wiped their mouths, donned their hats and overcoats and stepped out into the chill wind of the evening. The rain had ceased, but the wind was still enough to pierce their clothes and redden their cheeks as they paced along the road, towards a farm outside the village. They made an attempt to speak at first, but soon fell silent, blowing warm breath up over their own faces instead of out into the air.

The farm yard, when they reached it some way along another straight lane, lay lurking in the enclosing shadow of a tall brick wall, fortified against the wide open space that surrounded it on all sides. Close by, the squat cone of a windmill stood, its blades turning gently against the grey sky with a barely audible swish of wood against wind; within there was an ivy-covered farmhouse, along with barns and tumbledown sheds. The cleric led the way through the double front gate with proprietary steps, and had rung the iron bell hanging high on the eaves when the tenant appeared from the stable, dirty face hidden behind a tangle of ugly side-whiskers. He wiped his hands on a dirty kerchief and smiled respectfully at his guests.

“Na’then rev’rend . This’ll be tha friend, an’ all.”

“Good evening, Michael...” the cleric was excited; distracted. The farmer saw he meant only business and dispensed with the pleasantries.

“Evurathing’s as tha left it i’the back field. I’d locked oop the spaäde an’ tooäls, thouägh. I’ll bring it ower.”

“Thank you. We’ll meet you there.”

Another gate between the barn and a jerry-built pigsty led out of the opposite side of the yard; down a track and one field over they came to a place where the tilled earth was broken by a shallow excavation. The priest stopped to look on for a moment in thought, and then, taking his fellow by the sleeve, tugged him on to where they could both look down into the pit. With ceremony, he removed a few stones and wrenched back a soaking sheet from the object it had protected.

Immediately, the scholar felt his heart leap into his mouth at what he saw. Not caring for the damp earth or the fate of his travelling gear, he scrambled down the bank of earth removed earlier in the day, and threw himself down upon his knees on the flinty ground. The priest had been watching his face intently; at such a reaction his breathing seemed to become easier.

“You see what I meant?”

“If it’s not a hoax, it’s extraordinary.”

“Nobody’s seen it but I and Michael back there. The poor man can’t even write his own name, and I doubt he knows enough to put together such a thing as this unless he’s had me fooled from the beginning. And I hope you wouldn’t begin to suspect me of such dissimulation.”

“All the same,” the scholar replied, running his fingers along the grooves carved into the surface of the stone slab on which he knelt, “We can’t be too careful. It’s a very important discovery. Somebody else could have placed it here. Your friend may have been paid off, for instance, by a third party. Did he discover it?”

“The upper end, there, where those fresh gouges are, was caught on the plough,” he gestured, “and he uncovered most of it by his own hand before sending for me.”

“The carvings are only here on the top end – I suppose until he saw them he thought he’d just found an old floor slab.” The young man stood again to examine the discovery from a new angle. “But those are certainly runic; unmistakeably ancient.”

“I take it you see already what’s most extraordinary about it?”

He looked again, examining what he saw with a critical eye. A long, narrow slab of what was probably a local sandstone, perfectly smooth on top but for where the plough had caught it; there were carvings at the top – one or two lines, worn away from a thousand years’ of neglect – and along the side a careful excavation had shown it to be nearly an inch thick, and resting on top of another stone of unknown dimensions. It took another second for the scholar to see for himself.

“Oh!” He exclaimed, “The dimensions – they’re typical for a kyst or a grave. Astonishing! You think it may not be solitary? There may be others?”

“You know better than I it would be an odd place for a cemetery. Out of character. If there is a body beneath – or even if it has been removed – the inscription will give us a clue as to what he’s doing here. I believe it’s the only one.”

“I expect you’re desperate to get it up.”

“You can have no concept of how slowly the afternoon has passed; I wanted you to be here when we lifted it. I have recorded everything so far, in great detail; we can lift it when Michael returns with the crow-bar.”

“He’s coming now, leading the horse. Good - by the size of it the three of us won’t lift it.”

“The Lord only knows how they got the thing here in the first place. The effort that was involved makes one hope for a high-status burial, but for the lack of any obvious monument or mound. All well, Michael?” he called, as the horse and man ambled unhurriedly over the field.

“Aye. All ready. Thouägh I beänt shuär why tha’s saw keeän to ‘ave ‘er up tonight.”

“We’re in a fair stew about this I’m afraid. I’m most grateful for your humouring us.”

The farmer stroked the mare’s neck thoughtfully. “I doän’t see all that mooch ‘umour in it Revurn’d. But if it’ll keeäp tha ‘appy...”

“No. I suppose not.” The priest looked over at his fellow. “By the way, can you make out any of the inscription? More your subject than mine. I’d cope if it were Hebrew or Coptic. Other than ruling those out, I’ve no idea.”

“It’s quite worn,” replied the scholar, “and recognisably Danish. This here,” he indicated, “says wolf-skin. Here is the name of Twr – the Germanic god – and what translates roughly as a curse or a warning. The rest I can’t make out.”

“I took a rubbing earlier before it had begun to rain.”

“Good. I’ll have it looked over in the department when I return next week. In the meantime, now Michael is here – I’m as eager to have this thing out of the hole as you and see if anything’s underneath. Shall we?”

The farmer wordlessly handed over one of the crow-bars he had slung over one shoulder, thrusting his spade into the pile of earth, and the two learned men prised it beneath the slab at one end, while Michael took the other. On a count of three, they heaved together; with a scrape, the slab moved an inch, revealing a cavity beneath. They heaved again, and this time levered it into a position where the priest could pass a chain which hung from the heavy horse’s harness beneath it, and back on itself; with red faces, it was finally allowed to drop back. Even for the muscle-bound farmer, it had been an effort, and he reached a dirty hand across for the scholar to shake in congratulation.

Finally, both bars were moved to one place, to act as a makeshift track; apprehensively the men stood by as the horse took the strain and began to drag its monolithic burden out of the shallow depression. The wind blew hard in their faces as they all three gathered about the open grave, and looked down as one at their prize, down into the pit where so long ago a fellow human being had been laid to rest, imprisoned in death, and beneath the immovable stone. There was no instant gleam of gold or silver; a few iron belt rivets could immediately be glanced, laid out across the centre of it, visible as rust-red patches in the soil that covered all but a few glimpses of the skeleton to which they belonged. But clearly there was a body; this was enough to renew the friends’ excitement, and the rude mechanical’s curiosity. They stood for a moment in appreciative reverence, feeling for all the world as though they had uncovered the resting place of Arthur himself; the scholar spoke first.

“It seems you were right, old boy.”

“That’s certainly a body. I hope it is a Dane. The only way to see is to uncover it all.”

With that, they set to work again with trowels and a small brush the farmer had brought along with the other tools requested. Michael was less sure of himself in joining the more meticulous style of archaeological excavation, and looked over nervously to ensure he followed the formula which seemed second nature to the learned men, who sunk their hands into the earth of the grave without reservation or disgust, carefully dug around the bones, and brushed them off. The sky was darkening further still, but progress was fast. Each limb and rib appeared from out the dust like the birth of Adam; the buried man’s pelvis and vertebrae emerged, one by one. But it was clear quite soon that the body was not right, but grotesquely, piteously deformed: the ribcage flared, widening out to hunched, apelike shoulders; the fingers of both hands and all ten toes were hideously long and pointed, while the arms were far too long for a man’s. Worse than all this, where the diggers should have found the man’s head resting, they found instead only the skull of a large canine, a dog or a wolf, sabre-like teeth protruding over its jaw, bared at its unsettled discoverers in a skeletal growl, resting across the hands.


“What is it?” asked the farmer, drawing back from the terrible, unnatural combination of man and beast.

“It’s bizarre,” answered the priest. “He must have been an ugly fellow; but terribly strong. And human. I wonder what they did with his head?”

“In all my career thus far,” whispered the scholar, voice full of awe, “I have never seen, or heard, of such a thing.”
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Sunday, June 19, 2011

Dogdyke: Installment 1 of ?, 2nd Draft (Work In Progress)

The young professor stared impassively through the rain that lashed the rattling windows of the first-class compartment, straining to catch a glimpse of the featureless fen country beyond, made mysterious, and somehow almost beautiful, by the dim, white reflected foglight which penetrated the mizzle and mist and smoke from the engine - strangely ethereal light, like snowfields reflecting the sun. He had been alone in the compartment since Boston, where his only companion, a tweedclad ruddychopped country lawyer, had alighted headdown from the train into the howling late September storm which strafed the platform, rain and wind channelled mercilessly between track and dripping station canopy overhead. “Nasty, casselty weather,” the man had said, and since his departure it had only worsened.

It had not affected the young man’s mood; for the hundredth time that day, while his gaze remained fixed on the galloping fields beyond the glass, his left hand strayed to the little case on the worn crimson cushion beside him, and a small self-satisfied smile passed across his face. Never mind the rain, he thought. I’ll have what I’m after. The snap of a catch deposed the reigning silence, and his fingers intruded carefully into the satchel’s warm, womblike interior, to play softly over the smooth rounded objects lying within. A weathered bone, marks of primitive butchery etched along its length; a well-knapped flint knife, smoothed by decades of loving use and millennia of subterranean rest; shards of ancient pot, ground, burned and blackened until nearly indistinguishable from the fertile earth whose folds had concealed it for so long. The diverse relics, sent to him by an old school-friend, now a cleric in one of these windswept northern parishes, excited him with their prospect of a fruitful few days’ delving into the living earth, a working holiday.

The friend had not come by them himself, however. Rather, knowing him as a man of learning, the working men and busy children from the surrounding farms had brought each item carefully to him, as reverently as an offering to the country gods, wrapped in neckerchiefs and carried in battered hats, receiving in return a shilling or a slab of crusty bread from the rectory kitchen, a kind word and the happy twinkle of anticipation in the pastor’s eye, until the trickle of antiquities became a torrent beyond his ability to catalogue. At school, the pair had shared a passion for the classics, the violent stories of Hengest and Horsa, and above all for archaeology and anthropology in general, and so it was that a few choice specimens had been dispatched to the professor’s rooms at the university and, enclosed, an invitation to visit whenever it may prove convenient. So it was that the young man found himself cocooned in a comfortable carriage, looking forward fondly to a small indulgence before the beginning of term should call him back to his students and his more scholarly research.

The wind had abated somewhat when the train pulled shudderingly to a stop in the small country station that was the young man’s destination, though it siled as hard as before. The name, DOGDYKE, hand-painted on the wall of the signalbox, welcomed him, shining through the steam as he descended to the deserted platform, the only passenger to do so. The irregular hiss and sizzle of raindrops striking the locomotive boiler, and the rivulets running in cast iron gutters, were the only sounds, as he looked around in vain for a porter, before lifting down his own valise, watching his erstwhile steed pull away, and splashing before the wind, across the tracks, to the inviting glow of the wooden waiting room sitting midway along the opposite platform.

With luck, he thought, the clouds would part before long; he planned to hire an open cart from the inn to carry him from there to his friend’s home, and he did not relish the idea of a slow, lengthy journey exposed to such elements. Yet at the worst, he could always stop a night at the inn itself; he was youthful and justly unpretentious, and a country hotel would do well enough for him, unlike some of his older colleagues who would have balked at the idea. Strange, given the Spartan and decrepit nature of many of the fellows’ ancient apartments at the university, that they should be so snobbish and unpractical.

As if to chide him for his optimism, a peel of thunder rumbled ominously in the distance as he stepped at last beneath the hanging gas lantern and into the waiting-room, where three other passengers sat, glassy-eyed, in funereal silence, staring into the glowing embers of a low-burning fire as though long study would reveal great secrets.

The young man paused at the door to consider them, and remove his hat, then stepped between the three rustic oracles and their object, placing his back close to the fire, so that steam began to rise from his damp clothes in the fusty heat of the waiting room.

“Excuse me,” he apologised in a low voice, designed not to break the spell; indeed it did not, and his companions may as well have been carven idols for all that they acknowledged him. “...The weather, you know.”

A flash of light, and a second clap of thunder tolled, this time closer; a toothless grin played among the wrinkles of the eldest lady’s face, and she was chuckling as she answered it, “A drum - a drum!”

Confusion must have shown on the professor’s face, as the lady seemed to notice him for the first time, and spoke directly to him, gazing empty-eyed from beneath her grubby cap.

“List on, young ‘un: Now o'er the one halfworald, naäture seems deäd, an’ wicked dreäms abuse th’ curtain'd sleep; we celebraäte pale Hecate's off’rings...”

There was a sound at the door, and a uniformed man stepped in and laid his hand on the woman’s shawlbound shoulder with gentle finality.

“Na’then, Maudie,” he broke in, in a soft fenland burr, “n’more o’ that now. I’m sorry for her, sor. She bean’t hersen naymore, she’s a tad... soft I’th’ead. Hallus cot up in’r theatercal days.”

The professor nodded at the station-master’s reassurance, though he was already shaken.

“I’m sorry I warn’t aäble to meeät tha train, sor, loikewise. Fust’n I’ve missed sin I bean ‘ere, but I’d to see the Squoire awaäy.”

“It’s quite alright. There was only myself to help down, and I would have received a wet in anycase.”

“Onyroad, I’m moighty sore o’er that, sor.” The station-master smiled at him. “Can I help tha w’owt else mayhap?”

“The rain doesn’t show any sign of stopping, I don’t suppose?”

“Ay, it’s right remblin an’ silin, an’ will forra woile yit, sor.”

“Then you might allow me the use of your umbrella while I go over to the public house.” The professor indicated the dripping bundle in the station-master’s hand. “I wish to engage a conveyance.”

“Cert’nly sor, moi pleäsure.” He nodded, “Jes tha leäver a th’inn ‘n I’ll coom o’er f’r tanight.”

“Er... thank you. That’s very kind of you.” Taking the proffered umbrella, the young man passed out of the waiting room, not looking back at the three crones, raised the already sodden cloth above his head, and walked down the platform to its meeting with the road and the brick tower of the ticket office, where he crossed back over the tracks.

Rain still splashed the suitcase under his arm, and the leather bag of curiosities, and the puddles in the inn’s yard, unavoidable, leaped and slapped at his trouser legs as he crossed it, soaking each leg to the knee and filling his boots; yet his face and torso were protected from the mauling of the weather. To the south, the sky lightened again, suggesting the storm might soon abate. The inn’s shelter beckoned.

Stepping inside the door to the public bar, the man was once again met by a draft of warm, stuffy air from the large open fire. One or two drinkers had already settled into their positions by the bar, but it was as quiet here as it had been in the station, but for the rhythmic tap of raindrops at the window, begging for admission, and the noisy tick, tick, tick of the clock on the mantle. The heavyset publican pushed his dirty dishcloth into another glass and forced it back and forth, producing a tortured squeak, as he regarded the outfit of his newcomer with an analytical eye.

“Na’then, sor, what can I do tha for?” he enquired as he set down the grease-streaked glass by the pumps. “a glass of aäle an’ a hoät meäl?”

“Thank you. I’m very wet”, he said, stating the obvious, “a scotch if you please. And I’d like to engage your carrier if possible, as far as...”

“Not possible, guvnor, I’m afraid.” He measured out the drink. “Our lad’s just this minute taäken the Sqouire in dog-cart, oop Reävsby way. He’ll not be back tonight.”

“Ah. That’s unfortunate. I’d counted on its being available, my friend said I might.”

“You’re verra welcoom t’ taäke a room wi’ us futhe noight, if you need. We charge a reäsn’ble raäte.”

Looking around, the scotch had not made this prospect any more appealing than he would have found it perfectly sober, though the fire was inviting after the storm outside. He made a decision on the spot, and asked the publican the approximate distance to his friend’s residence.

“There are a few hours left until dark after all.”

“It’s nobbut a few miles oäff, that’s true.”

“Ah; well, I am an alpinist. I’m quite used to walking.” He drank the small glass of whisky in a few sips, steeling himself for the unprotected foray into the countryside he was committing himself to, and dropped some coins on the counter-top, but hesitated to go. It was not until the optimistic barman offered another drink and a tab that the professor finally shrugged back into his overcoat, picked up the case, and left the warm pub and the borrowed umbrella behind him. Thankfully the rain had reduced to a light mizzle in the meantime, barely noticeable except as an irritating tingle on the face and hands; the visibility was poor, but the walk would not discomfort him too much. He quickly left the little village behind him, and when he stopped ten minutes later to look back the way he had come, it had entirely disappeared from view. It seemed as if he were enclosed in a small globe containing only the air he breathed, the road he trod, and himself, all surrounded by an infinite mist. Odd weather.

It was long after he had followed the direction indicated by the Dogdyke fingerpost when he reached the edge of the settlement wherein his friend’s home lay. Clearly he was not as fit as he had been. His feet ached, and the gloved fingers of both his hands were numb from the damp and cold, and from the constant swapping of the heavy case from side to side. His right shoulder ached from the weight of the satchel which had slung from it, bouncing against his thigh with each step until he was convinced he would bruise. Pausing to take his breath leaning on a field gate, he regarded the few poor houses in sight through the thinning mist, whitewashed farm cottages, and what must be a smithy, all spread out along the straight road to either side.

A dog barked somewhere close by; meant as a warning of his approach, undoubtedly, but comforting to him somehow as a sign of civilisation after a bleak and, if he was honest, somewhat unsettling tramp in unpleasant weather. His friend had always praised the unmatched beauty and big skies of the fens he had made his home, but so far he felt it had not deserved such high consideration. A few moments would bring him to a warm and welcoming refuge, fire, food and drink, not to mention good conversation and welcome reminiscence; yet his experience since leaving the train had left him with an odd sense of foreboding. No doubt, he comforted himself, the result of primitive instincts in the face of poor weather. Conscious reason led him to seriously doubt the presence of circling predators just out of sight, but humanity has yet to tame their outmoded stone-age nerves.

Nevertheless, he did not wish to rest too long, so near to his destination. With protesting legs he stood himself up with the aid of the gatepost, picked up his belongings, and made his way half a mile further down the road, towards the little church and rectory beyond. The red-brick Victorian house was set back from the road, beyond its well-kept flower garden, and enclosed by rough hawthorn hedges that had long since attacked and overpowered the iron bars of the fence, weaving its branches about the rigid form. It was a relief to swing shut the squeaking gate behind him, pad at long last to the bell pull where it protruded from the wall, and pull it jerkily from its socket.

Somewhere within, a bell rang, and nearly instantly the door was opened not by the housekeeper, but by the reverend himself. He was a man as tall and dark as his friend, though he was thinner-looking, with greying, diminishing hair, and more jovial by far – his exuberant personality had always been a foil to the more sedate manner of the professor, more suiting him to a public life than a scholar’s. His receding hairline and overlarge eyes leant his wan face a comical appearance totally absent from the professor’s, and yet in their student days they had often been mistaken for brothers. Reunited, they now shook hands energetically and slapped one another sharply on the back.

“My dear fellow!” ejaculated the priest, beckoning him inside, “At long last! I was beginning to think there must have been some accident. Was there a delay with the train?”

“Not at all, the journey was quite surprisingly prompt,” the professor answered. “No – I’m afraid I had difficulty getting transport any further, from the inn you suggested.”

The priest looked mortified. “Do you mean to say you have walked all the way from the station? In this awful weather? Oh, Lord, old boy – I’m most dreadfully sorry. Here – come into the drawing room. My housekeeper will take your luggage up. But to leave you to walk – that was a great dereliction of duty on my part as a host, I -”

“As a matter of fact I rather enjoyed the walk. And all worth it – ‘a straight way leads to the good friend’, and all that. Now, how have you been? How are you? Clark sends his regards.”

“It is beautiful, the country up here, isn’t it. An awful lot of atmosphere!” the priest chortled as they sat down, on opposite sides of the fire. “And how is Clark? I for one am in splendid fettle, a very light mood, indeed – which reminds me, I have something you must see this evening, if you are prepared for another foray after dinner! Too soon, I know, but it really won’t wait. You’ll thank me for taking you directly.”

“And what is it I must see?”

“You’ll see, old chap!” He clapped his hands together and almost leaped to his feet once again to ring for service and pour each of them a drink from decanters resting by the window-seat. “It’s an extraordinary find.”


Installment 2
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Saturday, June 18, 2011

Oh those wacky Jews and their animal cruelty...

Now; the confusion between criticism of judaism as a religion and judaism as a race is a highly charged one, so let me first clarify for the hard-of-thinking that as always I'm attacking ideas and their consequences, not people or races.

Here's the story. 20 years ago, a secular lawyer insulted judges at a rabbinical court in Jerusalem, who cursed his soul to pass into a dog on his death. Honestly. The lawyer has since died.

Last week, a "large dog" wandered into the court and "refused to leave". Conclusion? The curse worked and the lawyer had come back for revenge.

Of course, being respected semitic judges, they responded to this by sentencing the dog to death by stoning - stoning by children, specifically.

Luckily, the innocent hound escaped the court before the sentence could be carried out. The judges then ordered the children to hunt it down and kill it at all costs.

"They didn't think of it as cruelty to animals, but as an appropriate way to 'get back at' the spirit which entered the poor dog."

These are crazy, crazy people who not only tried to cruelly murder a defenceless animal, but acted as such from positions of authority in the community, at the same time providing a terrible role model for children.

Religion. Mostly harmless.
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Wednesday, June 15, 2011

A New Proposal

In Horncastle, we've got two papers: the Louth and Wolds Target (which writes mainly about Louth and ignores much of what goes on in Horncastle) and the Horncastle News (written by illiterate, unambitious journalists who don't give a poop). They're both awful.

What I would like to propose is an independent paper "club" - an amateur society devoted to publishing a weekly paper. Interested members of the community would sit on a committee and run the paper on a charity basis, and people would be able to submit articles for publication.

Since just about any professional in Horncastle is more literate and cares more about the town than the cast-off journos we have to put up with - who only write for our paper based on their inability to get better jobs with more prestigious papers because they're bad at what they do - this would lead to an instantly improved quality of journalism.

The paper would also have an extended pool of writers, with fingers in many different pies, rather than a limited group of overstretched professionals.

The paper could be funded by advertisements - which, due to its assured popularity would easily keep it afloat - as well as by subscription and sales.

Finally, the most literate students of both QEGS and Bannovallum could be encouraged to submit articles to the paper, and engage in journalism in their spare time, and paid a nominal fee for anything that is printed.

Any townsperson of any political persuasion would be able to submit articles, making the paper as apartisan as possible.

The Horncastle Independent would be devoted to a high standard of reporting, good written English, articles relevant to local interests, value for money, press exposure for local groups (taking precedence over groups from, say, Lincoln and Skeg), aiding young writers' development, and generally not getting people's names wrong in three different ways per article (especially not when it's their obituary).

If you're interested in getting involved with setting this up, I'm about to leave the area, but we could get together and get organised if there are enough of us.

RESOURCES
http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2009/01/time-to-start-a.html
http://www.ehow.com/how_2095935_start-newspaper.html
http://www.newspaper-info.com/
http://www.newspaper-info.com/more/smallbig.htm
http://www.newspaper-info.com/more/news1.htm
Etcetera
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Tuesday, June 7, 2011

You're more Lincolnshire than you think, mayat.

"Still firmly rooted in its solid agricultural past, Lincolnshire has maintained old words and ways which in many other parts of England have been swept away by industrialisation and mechanisation. Some of these of course are known elsewhere, but others are peculiar to the county and are essential to its distinctiveness."

I'm planning on doing some looking into the Dialect poems of Alfred Lord Tennyson sometime in the next year, and in the process I've done some reading up on Lincolnshire dialect. I'd talked with friends before of expressions we were surprised to find could not be understood outside the county - "mardy cow" being one example - and the difference between our "accentless" speech (actually "Town Lincolnshire" for the most part, but watered down) and those to the north and south. I've also heard it said that to anyone outside the county, we appear to talk very slowly.

For the record, since we say "bath" and not "barth", "grass" and not "grarse", the Lincolnshire accent counts very definitely as "Northern" (and I've always contended that we certainly are not a part of the Midlands, which conjure up an image in my head of greyness, dullness, and Birmingham).

I thought it'd be interesting to compile a short list of the words, phrases, and beliefs that you already use but may not have realised were specific to Lincolnshire - delineating a distinct oral tradition and culture in Lincolnshire that continues to this day.

Chunter, chuntering, chuntering along: (v) to mutter, muttering, getting along
Clot: (n) an idiot
Duck: (n) informal term of address
False Roof: (n) Loft or attic
Fine Fettle: all that remains of the old expression 'fettle', meaning 'order'. CF, "how's't fettle?" and the German "alles in ordnung?".
Flit: to flee or steal away
Give over!: shut the fuck up.
Jiffle: (v) to wiggle or move about
Mardy: (adj) grumpy, sullen, or bad-tempered
Mud and stud: a building style similar to Wattle and Daub
Now then: Hello
Scrimmage: a scrum or fight
Tate: (n) a potato
at the end of my Tether: Exhausted, worn out, extremely tired; also "at wits end".
Wash the pots: wash the dishes
Whitter: (v) to whine

I also read that the tradition of it being bad luck to place a new pair of shoes on a table is specific to Lincolnshire.

Here are a few you might like to start using to express your local pride (and save an interesting part of the English language from death):

Battletwigs: earwigs
Broggle: to poke
Burning daylight: to light lamps before it is dark
Casselty: (from casualty) adj; nasty. Example: Casselty weather.
Clarted: (from clotted) Muddy. Or, "soft as clarts", meaning sensitive.
Clotty: Silly
Couldn't stop a pig in a passage: bow-legged
Dog Shelf: The floor
Farweltered: In difficulty
Get up backside first: to get up on the wrong side of bed
Gone Out: surprised
Gradely: excellent, thorough, great
Grufty: Grubby, horrible
Kelter: junk, trash, rubbish, the stuff covering my bedroom floor
Marrer: (from marrow) a term of address, similar to mayat (mate)
Mizzle: light drizzle
Muck afore t'shovel: the opposite of ladies first! Also 'shit afore t'shovel'.
Puggle: to stir (and a puggling stick is used for stirring)
Sally slapcabbage: a slattern
Sile: heavy rain, as in, "it's siling".
Larroped: drunk

Anyone have any more?
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Sunday, June 5, 2011

Sell Your Cassock: Feed The World

 He said to them, “But now if you have a purse, take it, and also a bag; and if you don’t have a sword, sell your cloak and buy one.”
—Luke 22:36, NIV

A £1,135.00 Thurible
 (45 african children fed 
& educated for one year)
 Last year, while still at uni, I was so angered by the hypocrisy I saw in the churches, that to make a point, I wrote a series of letters to the Archbishop of Canterbury. At the time, I was told off by several people, for being unreasonable. One person told me that the chasubles and cassocks I had referred to were actually made "for nothing" and donated by seamstresses and dress-making schools (strangely, they fell silent when I asked where the dress-makers got their free material from).

Others told me that it was small fry. Still others just became unreasonably offended on the Church of England's behalf (because, of course, it is more important not to offend anyone than to think critically, or expose hypocrisy).

As I was fiddling with facebook just now, a couple of singularly inappropriate advertisements were shown to the right of my screen. No - this was not for porn or a dating website. This was for Watts & Co. of London, "the world’s foremost purveyor of fine ecclesiastical designs, textiles, furnishings and accessories. Its long and rich history is a narrative of refined taste, historic grandeur, and cutting edge style."


Never mind that this company accepts as read the institutionalised preference for pharasaical "grandeur" over Christian charity. This can act as a demonstration of exactly what I was talking about when I wrote those letters.

Let's take a look at their stock, advertised online.

For the price of one double-breasted Bishop's cassock (£568), the bishop could feed and educate 23 African children for a whole year.

In addition to this, a bishop may have a "rochet" (this crowd aren't elitist at all!), a "chimere", a "preaching scarf", wristbands, sleeve ruffs, and preaching band - adding up to £464.50, or another 18 children.

There are currently (as far as I can tell from the internet) more than 285 bishops in the anglican church alone.

And that's just the Bishops. There are also deans, priests, rectors, vicars, choirs (£195/gown), canons, vergers, organists, lay readers, and any number of other posts, in multiple churches. A regular stock cassock for a priest is £260 (kindly reduced by Watts and Co. to only £225, giving a priest an additional £35 to spend on charity). A priest will not only use a cassock, but a large array of clerical-wear, from surplices (£85) to dog-collars (£4.91), all adding up to a ridiculous amount potentially spent on clothing rather than charity, or even on the ubiquitous Church Roof Fund.

"When Jesus heard this, he said to him, "You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me."
---Luke 18:22

Anyone who claims to be a disciple of Jesus, and yet who, given the choice between spending £225 on a new cassock, and doing the service in his old gardening clothes, giving the money saved to the poor, is a hypocrite.

In anticipation of criticisms may I say that I, on the other hand, may buy as many cassocks as I like at the expense of poor people, because I don't claim to follow the bible's teaching. It's not necessarily moral, but neither is it hypocritical. I mean what I say, and I say what I mean. Sometimes.
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Saturday, June 4, 2011

The Street that Cut Everything as an experiment in Anarchy

Although the BBC's programme broadcast on May 16th was supposed to be an eye-opener in terms of government cuts and how they effect the man on the street (and his neighbours), the sadistic experiment presided over by a gleeful Nick Robinson in which one street in Preston was persuaded to cut all council services for six weeks was interesting to me for an entirely different reason - as a demonstration (albeit imperfect and contrived) of how anarchy is supposed to work.

Reminding me of the Paris Commune and other revolutionary secessions, the residents were forced to take control of all aspects of their public life, redistributing their wealth as each household saw fit, and succesfully organising amongst themselves to fulfil the duties previously performed by the elected city council.

Had Robinson and the BBC not turned this whole programme into a reality-TV fiasco in which the residents were played off against one another and pushed far beyond breaking point in the name of "good" viewing (how many streets have to face the level of graffiti, fly-tipping and other crimes which were suddenly and artificially dumped upon the collective by the producers?) it would have been far more interesting.

Despite the residents' differences, and the sick, destructive influence of Robinson and crew's gleeful interference in otherwise pleasant neighbourhood relationships, it was clear to me that the businesslike response of the Street to the situation in which they found themselves indicated they could have managed more than adequately to pull together and govern, especially were their situation real and not contrived.

Far from a collapse into apathetic, clumsy lower-case anarchy, a state which had to be artificially induced by the programme makers, the people's interactions and moderating influences on one another showed that an equilibrium could eventually be reached. Were it not for the BBC's ridiculous rules (residents forbidden to spend their own money to buy torches or batteries?? Really?) and the other strictures under which they were placed, they would have managed just fine.

The Telegraph prints:
Thing is, this has all happened before. It’s called history. In order to find out what happens when there’s no public services we need look no further than the local library or a history documentary. It’s squalor and chaos and that’s why public services were introduced in the first place. The issue of cuts to public services is indeed a serious one, but this sensationalist documentary was not an effective way to highlight it.

They're right that the documentary was crap. But squalor and chaos did not result, and would not result. Maybe for a short time - but people have a way of organising themselves to come to terms with their situation. Watch The Postman. Things are not the same without Government, but government will always appear and Anarchy need not lead to anarchy.
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Sunday, May 22, 2011

Ha Ha Ha, Stoopid Fundies and their Failed Rapture! Oh, wait...

So, the rapture predicted to occur yesterday didn't happen. Nobody was sucked bodily into heaven, and the seven years' tribulation will not be beginning this October. Surprise, surprise. Now it's time for us all to laugh at the stupid people who believed this crock of crap!

But, wait. This is actually not that funny.

For starters, the guy who began this prophecy - after his earlier 1994 prophecy failed to come true - is still around. And, it turns out, he made a shit ton of money out of this, convincing thousands of Christians to send him money in order to advertise the coming rapture. Besides the fact this rather ruled out the rapture coming "like a thief in the night" as promised - everyone on Facebook seemed to be atwitter with expectation of the fundies' humiliation - it's also made this a successful scam, and Harold Camping a very rich man - he's already head of a $120,000,000 radio station.

Then there's the gullible people who have ripped their families apart through their donations to Camping's campaign and an expectation of the end times.

Followers are typically viewed as harmless proselytizers. But their convictions have frequently created the most tension within their own families.


Kino Douglas, 31, an agnostic, said it was hard to be with his sister Stacey, 33, who “doesn’t want to talk about anything else.’’

In 1994, Camping said the rapture would probably be that year, but he now says newer evidence makes the prophecy for this year certain.


But the Haddad children worry about money for college.

“I don’t really have any motivation to try to figure out what I want to do,’’ said Joseph Haddad, 14, “because my main support line, my parents, don’t care.’’
And do you think that's bad? Watch this.



Then there's this suicide in Nairobi. Why are these people only recognised as delusional and insane once they've done something like this? She was not acting irrationally - she was acting completely in line with her beliefs. Millions hold equally ridiculous beliefs, insane beliefs, and it is impossible to distinguish the dangerous from the benign as long as irrational convictions are regarded as normal.

Still pissed off with my incessant atheist ranting? Yeah, you are. But fuck, this makes me so incredibly angry you cannot believe. To say nothing would be abominable. Religion can be very, very dangerous and destructive. People like Camping should be locked up in an institute before they can start things like this.

That goes for all the similar sects who, while not subscribing to Camping's prophesied date, still revel in their predictions of an immediate bodily rapturing of all good Christians and children (who, nevertheless, continue to sign up for 30 year mortgages, grow fat on their riches without giving more than a scrap away to the poor because that would be "socialism", etc.). People like the authors and followers of the Left Behind series. (A hilarious, lengthy exploration of this series can be found here).

Finally, the moderates. The people who shake their heads in sorrow at the Campingites and fundamentalists giving up everything because they believe the end of the world is coming. "Oh, those poor stupid people," they say, "they've misinterpreted the bible - they give us a bad name with their ridiculous beliefs."

Sure. Yes they do. But it's a bad name they deserve. Ha ha ha! The second coming of Jesus, tomorrow? That's just silly.

"But don't you believe Jesus is coming back?"

Yeah, but not in the immediate future. That's just ridiculous.

Pray tell (pun intended) what, exactly, the difference is between a fundie's belief that the world will end on a specific, predictable date, and a moderate's belief that the second coming will occur without warning? Beyond the obvious, subtle one, that is.

No. They're both wrong. THERE IS NOT GOING TO BE A SECOND COMING. You are all ridiculous. Show me one good reason to believe this, and I'll hush. Until then, I scorn (and fear) people who believe what an ancient book written by shepherds tells them, simply because they can't tell the difference between an unlikely coincidence and an impossible miracle, or between an indisputable historical fact and a largely fictional legend about a philosophical zombie. They are unpredictable - particularly when they actually cease the hypocrisy and begin acting in accordance with their professed faith.

Peace out.









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